Lovely Thoughts

I imagine us in a bathtub. You fall asleep against my chest. I kiss your hair.
I imagine us lying on the grass, on a cloudy day. We hug as we play with our feet. You giggle from tickles.
I imagine us kissing at the corner of the street at midnight.
I imagine us eating together at my favorite restaurant.
I imagine us drinking capuccino while watching TV. I kiss the foam that gets stuck around your lips away.
I imagine us petting Jill. She purrs. Our fingers touch.
I imagine us on the movie theater, not paying attention to the screen, rubbing our head against each other's.
I imagine us trading pokémon and having fun playing after.
I imagine us watching the sunset together. You grab my hand and tell me you love me.
I imagine us making love, you moan, I feel a bit higher on heaven.
I imagine us falling asleep on a hug. You fall asleep first, I watch your smile, illuminated by moonlight. I sniff your skin.
I imagine us waking up in the morning. You kiss my lips and say "good morning".
I imagine us doing all sorts of things together, you and me, alone, being in love, your happiness being mine and mine being yours. I imagine us doing things we will never do because I lost you.

I take a shower and sit down. I think of you. I feel too relaxed by the warmth of the water to start crying.
I sit on the grass alone. I wish you were there by my side.
I drink cold coffee. I remember you're like coffee, I don't remember if you ever told me you like coffee.
I am petting Jill. She runs away. She doesn't like me.
I am watching a movie my psychiatrist told me to watch. It's boring.
I play videogames. They get boring so quickly, replaced by my memories of you.
I watch the sunset alone. I hate orange.
I remember when I didn't get turned on by anything but you.
I wake up in the morning. I feel empty. I wish to die.
I wish to have never met you, but not as much as I want you back. I am so stupid. I am worthless. I am loved by so many, everyone I could want to love me, everyone but the only one I want to love me, the only one I'd die for, you, the only one I would kill if I knew you'd reach heaven and be happier there than here with me. You. Sara, my eternal, un-re-reachable, loved, blackened fantasy.

Next is a picture heart-shaped cloud.

We love clouds, right, my beloved? Bye.

Right now, I feel every negative emotion a human being could feel. And not even all of them together match the love I felt for you, I feel for you and I'll feel for you, until the day I disappear.