Innocence

So after weeks of only nightmares or being unable to remember my dreams at all, I had a dream last night. So vivid, so wonderful. I couldn't quite understand its own background, but I seriously didn't give a fuck. It was the simplest thing, at least at a first glance (as I stated, I didn't bother to give a second one). The point is that I was headin to someone's place, I don't know who. And you were with me. The streets were those nostalgic ones I walked around five years ago, but they looked better, more green areas, and more solitary. It was a cloudy day. Night was falling down, and no twilight was there to be seen. Just from gray to black. I fucking hate twilights. I don't remember if it was raining.

Honestly it seemed like we didn't really know each other very well. I was acting WAY too shy, literally scared. And you were so joyful, like a child in a toy store. Stopping from time time to time to see a pattern on a wall, pick up a rock from the ground or to touch the leaves of a tree. I would have thought that you were ignorant about my feelings towards you. You looked so happy. Yes, I think I was loving you in secret. But I don't think I knew it at the moment. We both were wearing bulky coats. It was a cold day. I was behind you all the time, was too scared to be in front of you, and my mouth was covered by a scarf.

It felt awkward the whole way, but I was too busy watching you to care. You looked beautiful, like, you know... always. But I had you in front of me, so I was lost in the picture. Of course, I looked away when you turned to see me. At one of those moments, I hit my head with either a wall or a tree, I can't remember, but you saw it, and you pronounced words of pity, can't remember what did you exactly say, and you caressed my head for several seconds. I was stuned and my expression probably told me off. We kept on walking until the air became blurry. It started snowing when night fell down. Soon, we were in front of the apparent destination. But I just didn't want to go inside. I wanted to stay there, you and me, alone. But I didn't say anything, so I let you go in, but I waited for you, I didn't go myself. I just wanted to hug you the whole time, just go for it and take you in my arms, I wanted to do it so fucking bad, but I was so scared... I promised to myself I'd do it when you came out.

My dream ended before we could reunite.

I woke up with a brief sensation of pure happiness, like I used to have at all times a year ago. My chest felt light for once in a long, long while... I don't have the physical heartaches so often anymore, but my chest still feels heavy. "It was just a dream." I said to myself. But honestly, a fake experience is much more than what I deserve. At least it's real when it happens...

The longer a dream lasts, the more and longer it hurts when it ends...

Next is a picture of a heart-shaped leaf.

Hey... I'm so sorry. I haven't been able to... ignore these things lately. Please, forgive me. Bye.

I feel hurt, alone and nostalgic. At least I had a happy moment this morning.