Surprises

I found out that the darkness of my room increases my sorrow. Pathetic. I am typing on the living room. Dream Theater's playing on the stereo. I've been listening to Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence non-stop. Such a perfect album. Currently, "Blind Faith" is on. I've been singing to that album as well. Singing helps with depression too, when it's not particularly strong. Shamefuly, I'm too shy to let my parents hear me sing, specially if I want to sing high notes, which I often fail. Got a deep voice and don't practice my singing for real.

Nikol surprised me for a while, a couple of minutes ago. We hadn't talked in a week. I read with a smile her e-mail. I love when someone shows me they care about me. Saddly, the surprise was that I don't make a difference as big as she implies it to be when we're not talking directly to each other.

Surprisingly too, I'm doubting my own theories. She gives perfectly reasonable explanations. Explanations I believe to be excuses when I try to be more realistic than positive. Then again, I think that realism is nothing but a pretentious pesimism. Also, she was tired. She's always tired. Even if she's lying, she'd still be tired, from lying. So she is always tired indeed. And she gives perfectly reasonable explanations for that as well.

Seems obvious to think that a bad situation is worse if it's unfair. The worst kind of pain is the fair one. And fair suffering is one more challenge to human beings' trust in God. It's easier to shout "Why have you let me down, God?" than "I'm sorry, God." And I'm sorry, God.

I've been praying a lot lately. I know I won't get an answer for my prayers. I'll still be doing it, though.

Next is a picture of a heart-shaped gate.

I don't know for how long it's been safe to say that I'm in love with Nikol. And that's another challenge, in more than one way. By more than one person. Bye.

Damn that riff's awesome. I was going to say I feel empty, but I feel hopeful now.

You should probably disregard this entry.