I Am

I am a seventeen year old guy from a regular city in a piece of shit country. I know everyone likes to speak bad about their belongings, but still.

I have brown eyes, white skin, an average face, average body. Medium ears, medium nose. Abundant, messy, medium lenght hair. Longer than most guys my age, since schools around here don't usually allow males with long hair. Girls I've met in my life say I've got the cutest smile. Makes me happy to have such an appeal on the opposite sex even though I don't agree. Also got a nice voice. Also from people's mouths.

I have avobe-average intelligence. Smarter than, again, must people my age. This is hard for me to say because I usually deny that. If I knew that many people were going to read that I wouldn't state it. I am not smart in all fields, though. I'm just extremely logical. I like to be extremely logical. Most logical people make the mistake of not relating logic with feelings, which in a rational roundabout, is an irony. I'm not good with numbers. I'm not a fast reader. I can read well my surroundings, though. I'm not good at reading minds unless I am conversating with the person alone. I remember details with an unknown pattern. I am exceptionaly good at cheering people up. In short, I'm smart, but I'm stupid at a lot of fields that matter.

I am faint-hearted. Anything can drag me down. Not anything can lift me up.

I am a very sad guy. Depressed. Haven't been been 100% depression-free in half a year. I get easily distracted though, when my sorrow isn't too violent.

I'm good at writting. It's hard for me though, since I lack a pure inspiration. Has not always been like that. I'm good at music. Proud of my musical ear. I can't understand how can someone go out of tempo or disregard nuance while playing an instrument, you know? I know a long of things regarding this field. I am good at drums. I can sing. My register's growing with age, which is making me content. I'm very talented, just not extremely talented.

I've ALWAYS been romantic as fuck. I love romance. I think love's everything, you know. I like love songs, I like love stories, I cry at bitter endings. I don't like poetry, but I like to WRITE it. Weird think, huh? So, that kind of things.

I want to have a future in music. Study in a good college, record for artists, be on a band, travel around the world. I would also like to be a novelist. Got plenty of ideas. Logic helps me write, love does so too.

I like people to be happy around me.

I like cloudy and rainy days. I like to get wet. As pervy as it sounds.

I like all kinds of animals even though my favorite are the cats. Oh how I love cats. I can't kill things. I feel terrible if I do. I can't kill a roach or a fly. I'd rather send them outside.

One of the few things I appreciate about myself is that I am not violent. I have never hit someone. I can get incredibly pissed, I can get slapped in the face, and then I can shout with a pillow against my face, but I don't ever hit someone. I can't hit people. I sometimes got bullied in junior high and I never responded. It got worse in high school, were people started hitting me; bullying got physical. And I never hit back as much as they hurt me. I almost went blind for a hit on my eye which I next found to be intentional. I didn't respond. I don't know if this is good, but I think no one should ever be violent in any circumstance. Never hit. Never hit back. That's my motto. I am pacifist even if I don't enjoy it greatly. I am because it's the good thing, because I don't like to hurt people, I like people to be happy, even the mean people. Does this make me good or stupid?

As sensitive as I am, I usually get the role of the tough guy. Both IRL and OTI. Tough guy, but verbally. I like to persuade people. I like people to respect me. Because people's generally stupid, and if a stupid one takes the lead role, nothing good will come from it. With this you can tell I can be selfish. But... I just really want the best for myself and the people surrounding me.

I'm like this.

I don't want to change.

I just want my life to change.

I know I'm not a cute guy, I'm not too funny, I'm not kind enough, I'm not smart enough, I am selfish, I am pathetic, I'm not special, and in everything I'm good at theres a billion of people who are much better. Does it really matter that I'm the only one who'd let you have my eternal love in the most unconditional manner a human being could in such a situation? Because trust me, (well, I know you won't trust me on this one), I'm the fucking number one at that.

To be happy with myself, I must drag someone I love to misery. Because a life by my side isn't much better than that. And yet, I don't always think I deserve to suffer.

I'm in a maze.

Stranger, you now know me a little better. And if you are not a stranger, you now probably hate me more than you did before, hahah. But I'll let you know this. There's a second thing nor you neither fucking no one beats me at. I hate myself.

I feel, again, depressingly euphoric. And I feel smug as fuck. My emotions are being playing with. And I think I like it as much as I hate it.