Today's Decision

I've made a decision today.
I've taken several things into consideration. Why should I and why I should not. When, and how.
A friend of mine once told me an interesting phrase. "A man is not old until regret takes the place of dreams." I certainly don't have dreams. Well, I have, but I don't have dreams I can fulfill. I haven't even had a dream (not a nigthmare) in like half a year. I regret so many things... so am I old? I'm not even a man. I am a child. But I don't have anything in front. At least not something I want. You know? I always wanted to marry and have a kid or two. I always wanted to be a rockstar, travel around the world, surrounded by fame, money and loving fans. I also wanted to be a novelist, write a romance, you know, and have the world read it. But now I don't want any of those things. I just want out. I just want to keep away from everyone, to be alone. I don't even want anyone inhabiting my thoughts. I am a danger for the only two persons I want to be with. One probably hates me, she has all the right to do so. Hell, you know? I don't think she hates me. I think she doesn't give the smallest fuck about me, which hurts me worse. I wish she hated me. At least I'd be important. For someone, for her. I'd be worth it... I'd have a reason to be, even if it's a selfish one. The other one? I haven't even seen her in weeks. I don't know if she just got me out of her life, I don't know if she's grounded, ill or dead. The only thing I know is that I need her.


Everything I do is either worry, pray or cry in solitude.
Nothing motivates me. I don't feel anything when I play music, a videogame, when I read or write. I don't feel shit. I'm empty, everything is empty.
I don't yearn for common things anymore. I don't want a first kiss, I don't want to fuck a girl, I don't care about those things anymore. They're hollow to me.
I want a hug. Not any hug. Not from my mom, my dad or my brother. Not from my cousin. I want a hug from someone who wouldn't have a natural reason to hug me. Someone who requites me in some way. But no one hugs me. No one would.
When I'm not feeling awful myself, someone's doing the job for me, either my dad by sermonizing me or my mom shouting and me and telling how horrible I am as a person, as a son, how worthless I am.
I miss Luna, my dear, old, unconditional dead friend.
I don't care about anyone but my best friend and my heart's owner. Neither anyone cares about me.
Every day feels like a year.
People don't try to understand me. Each time I express myself about how I feel, they tell me to cheer up, using any words, or they end up hating me because I'm pathetic.
I want a place like heaven even though I don't deserve one. I lived in heaven for a time knowing I didn't deserve it, though. I said that to myself over and over again unti I effectively lost it.
It's not better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all, and no one seems to understand that. Even worse, I seem to be the only one who knows what he's talking about.

Everything's clear as water. No one would miss me and I want out. Maybe my friend Nikol would, but she wouldn't mind having me away since she'd hate me if I killed myself.

30 days. That's the trial time. Let's see what happens. If everything goes as I want it to, I'll be getting everything ready.

Next is a picture of a heart.

Love is such a beautiful thing. The cause and solution of all our problems. That is love. Bye.

I think it's obvious enough how I'm feeling.

PD: I love you, Sara, I love you, Nikol. Please, forgive me, and take care.

You should probably disregard this entry.