Agnostic for Life?

Yesterday I was considering converting into a christian. But things like these make me refuse to believe in God. I mean... for months I got on my knees, elbows on my bed, hands together, head down, and said "PLEASE God, PLEASE, for everything that is good, don't let it end, PLEASE, DON'T. LET. THIS. END. PLEASE."

And after less than a year it fucking ended. I got depressed, etc. I got on my knees and this time I said, crying, "God, if you're out there, please, listen to me. It's over. You hear me? It's fucking over. I'm not gonna rant about how hurt I am right now. This time I only want to ask you to please, take care of her. If you and I let it end, at least listen to me THIS TIME. Because I cannot do myself, please, God, take care of her, be always at her side, always follow her, always do what's best for her, always keep her happy, let her be happy, happier than anyone else, make her happy, keep her healthy, make her parents and all the people be nice to her, please, God, please..."

And what does she get? Exactly the opposite of what I asked. That's what she gets. I don't even want to get into detail. I seriously had never seen her this fucked up. Why does not God listen? She's the best fucking person I have ever known, she's a fucking angel from wherever you might view, she's kind, sweet, careful, the best fucking friend you could ever have, an awesome sister, an awesome daughter, an intelligent student, she's everything that's good in this world, and she gets all of this...

God, listen to me. I want to make this public.

Fuck you. Have a nice day.

Because when we were together I could bring her up no matter how down she was. I could draw a smile on her face MYSELF, no matter what. She fucking cried of happiness because of ME, I was her fucking guardian angel, I could help her then, be her perpetual cheer up. It was my life... it was my fucking life, to be her happiness, to be able to watch for her despite the distance, but now I'm a random dude in love who can't do SHIT for what he cares the most about. I'm a fish in a bag. I...

I remember the times I said "I love her a little less." "It doesn't hurt so much anymore." "I'm happy for her." "I feel better already." "I'm fine because she's better off with me."

Who am I kidding...

I love you, Sara.

I love you, so much, Sara.

I loVe you and I will always do, you're my fucking life even as you're gone from it. You're EVERYTHING in the world to me, NO ONE and NOTHING can replace you, you're the best thing that ever happened to me and will ever happen. I knew all of this when I fell in love with you, and I know it after having broken up with you. No matter what, I'm yours. I'm fucking yours, Sara. You taught me what love was. You taught me how good can life be, you taught me the real meaning of happiness. You were my best friend too. I rolled on the fucking floor each time you said you loved me, each time you said you missed me, each time you said I was your life, that I was the best thing ever to happen to you, each time you said we'd be together forever, I rolled on the fucking floor shouting THANK YOU. The sound of your breathing was a million times better than my favorite song, LET ALONE your voice. When you laughed, oh God, when you laughed... I'd say a damn kitten was born each time you laughed. When you laughed I forgot to fucking breath, smiling like stupid, my heart bumping like a /b/ thread, almost tearing a hole on my chest. When you laughed EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT. I never told you I thought your laughter was funny. Because I was too busy orgasming the fuck out of my heart. When you said aloud, "I love you"...

I died a little inside. Because I knew I could never be enough for you. You were such an angel... and I was an annoying rock in your shoe. And nevertheless, you loved me. You loved me as much as I loved you. And I can't describe how I really felt when you said it.

Now you're depressed. And I can't do anything for you. It's almost 5 am. I stopped a little my typing to hold your picture, who is now all fucking covered in tears and the marks of my lips. And I can't do anything for you. I'm crying a fucking river, my cheeks are hot, my fingers hurt. And I can't do anything for you. I told it to you today, "I loVe you more than anything else in the world". 

And you asked me to please, not say it.

But I loVe you. And I can't do anything for you.

Because I know I don't matter anymore. These past months I've been thinking about killing myself. I even almost did one day. But I always ended up wanting to live because I thought that it was selfish. Towards you... because nobody really cared about me. And I thought you could feel guilty if you found out I killed myself. But today I figured that you aren't all right, and I can't help with that. I can't make you happy. I can't draw smiles in your beautiful face. I can't do anything for you. I can only love you, loVe you as much as I can, forever. 

But that's not worth shit. 

LoVe isn't worth shit unless it's requited. You helped me find that out.

I loVe you, Sara.

I loVe you with all what's left of my heart. And it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

Next is a picture of a broken heart.

Perhaps the most generic image in human history. A broken heart. And this is the first time I ever used it for anything. I'm sorry. I just think a heart can't be any more broken than mine is at this right moment. Maybe just hers. Which breaks mine even more. Bye.

I feel depressed, suicidal and hateful of myself. But most of all, I feel in love with Sara. And I never loVed you so much before, my tormented angel. I loVe you so, so, so, so, so, so much...